Okay you guys. Thanks to your encouragement, I’m going to commit to writing every Monday about what’s on my mind or weighing on my heart. I’ve never kept a journal—why write it down if you can talk about it?!—and often wondered if I was missing out. This will be an interesting experiment. I may burn out or run out of things to say, in which case maybe you can help me out with some topics? As long as this remains a positive forum, I totally open to suggestions!
Over the weekend I caught the pilot of Satisfaction. For a USA network show it wasn’t nearly as trashy as I expected (though still not as good as Suits.) Based on the trailer, you might think it’s all about sex and marriage and cheating spouses. And while that is the premise (this is USA network, after all), at the core are characters questioning whether they are truly satisfied with the life they’ve created. It’s a theme I spend an inordinate amount of time obsessing about with friends: Are you satisfied? Will we ever be satisfied? Wait—what does it even MEAN to be satisfied? What would that feel like or look like? Clearly I don’t have the answer to this one. My lack of sophistication in the satisfaction department is evident by the constant furniture rearranging I do at home. Why can’t I just be satisfied with the placement of the throw pillows or the color of those walls? Mr. Bets often asks me the same thing.In moments of clarity I know that my fussing and zhoushing is a combination of decorating as creative outlet (totally healthy) and placing too much emphasis on stuff to satisfy my soul. I love beautiful things and have made a living writing about them, but I’m beginning to think that all the stuff our first-world lives afford is often a distraction from our inner voice telling us what we need to feel more satisfied. The same goes for social media, which creates so much noise in our daily lives that we can’t possibly get quiet enough to listen to what our inner self needs. Again, guilty as charged. And yet, I keep getting little nudges, like a TV show, or spending time a ton of precious with my family this summer, that confirm what I already know and just need to lean into: That it’s okay to want more, as long as going after it doesn’t diminish your appreciation for what you already have.
I celebrated my 37th birthday over the weekend. Which means I’m of the generation who totally listened to Wilson Phillips on a yellow Sports Walkman. Over and over and over again I played that Hold On cassette. Yes, those things that came before CDs. And the internet. This was the early 90s and I was playing the starring role of Angsty Teenage Girl. I wanted SO MUCH. To be understood. To be accepted. To be pretty. To have a boyfriend. To drive a car. To grow up. To live in a big city. To be anyone but who I was. My heart physically ached 24 hours a day. That kind of longing is something I hope to never experience again because it was so debilitating—and probably annoying as hell for my poor parents (sorry, greg + pat!). I’ve spent most of adulthood learning how to be grateful and content with what I have and who I am IN THIS MOMENT. That doesn’t mean I’m complacent or okay with the status quo. It means I’m accepting in a way that allows me to go after what I want without anxiety or fear of not achieving it. I believe that I’ll be okay no matter what because I am okay. This past year, however, really challenged me. Just when I thought I had “it all” figured out, the ground started to give way. Suddenly I wasn’t sure what I wanted in my career, for my life and in some of my relationships. Everything that had been so certain and so clear looked different. Or rather,I was different. For someone who likes to think she’s in control of her life, there’s nothing more unnerving than watching even the tiniest thread unravel. What I learned this past year (often the hard way), is that the key isn’t to try harder or push against what’s happening, it’s to be patient. Only with patience can we truly hear our inner voice and allow change to flow in—without fighting it, forcing it, or even trying to understand it. That’s when the good stuff happens, even if it doesn’t feel that way when you’re in it! I may never get super comfortable with change or being in limbo, that’s not how I’m built. But right now I’m going to hold on, have patience and see where life takes me. Love, BetsP.S. I don’t talk about my personal life very often on the blog because, quite honestly, I get bored listening to myself talk. But lately I’ve been wondering if I should, if it would help to have a forum for sharing the struggles that we all face in our careers, relationships, and in our own heads, where so much of the damage gets done. Thoughts?
